Can't believe I got so far with a head so empty
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Hope," journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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04:55 pm
[Link] | It seems that gay men are attracted to me. I have been called a "firefly". thats okay. It also seems that men in relationships are attracted to me. This is less okay.
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12:01 am
[Link] | i miss beer and sleeping with someone
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07:42 pm
[Link] |
the only reality that matters to me is my own
have been feeling...spacey
today in church we sat in the front row of the balcony, as always. It seemed, for a moment, perfectly plausible that i should stand up on the rail, then drop off, not onto the pews below but into flight around the sanctuary. Maybe it's the doves in the stained glass. After this notion passed i wondered what it would be like just to drop off onto the pews in the middle of the service. would the preacher keep preaching? would they think i was insane? but obviously not suicidal as it is a one story drop. what would happen if i gave into these strange whims?
was taking a perfectly good nap today until i rolled over onto my newly pierced left ear. my immediate reaction to any sort of pain these days is nausea. which i suppose is better than crying? nobody can really SEE nausea
if i ever become obese i think i will have people poke me with spikes until i vomit. i mean... fuck dieting
that sounded less morbid in my head
this is the first birthday where i have actually felt any older.I am no longer a teenager. Icannot blame any mistakes on my teen status. I'm fucking ancient now. but i still can't order a drink in this country.
everything else has become exceptionally routine. I wonder if God forgives all the sins i have collected in university. I feel like the simple act of going to Hendrix forsakes him being that my discipline is one which denies his existence and in my free time i am a drunken fool. I realize these sins but really don't want to give up alcohol, so i blame it on college and tell myself my habits will change when i graduate. but will they really?
you can't ever go back to the person you were before. everything changes you somewhat
Current Music: the avett brothers
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11:50 pm
[Link] |
Things
am going to:
stop eating dairy or food from the food court
run every day. seriously
spend more time with my family
write my odyssey proposal for peru
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11:00 pm
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my bones gotta move and my skins gotta breathe
what a joke....
I broke my thumb thursday.
i'm probably the best ER patient ever, if not then certainly the happiest
i was prescribed an excess of hydrocodone
however, maybe excess is not the right term for it, because i definitely took one before work today, and it was definitely a brilliant life decision, and i will definitely be high at work all week.
I got asked out by one of the office managers who i lusted after from afar last winter break. He is much less exciting now that we actually speak. In fact he is probably pretty stupid. but its not like I have anything better to do. and who am i to refuse a free meal?
5ks are amazing. you run and run weaving through thousands of people in downtown streets people on the sidewalks cheer for you and at the finish line you are given free food and beer. apparently beer is the runners world post race carb of choice, and who am i to argue that?
Current Music: animal collective
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09:07 pm
[Link] |
Love for all
I have never been less excited about a summer than I was this may. I dreaded coming home to nothingness. I expected a few encounters with friends from school to temporarily brighten the inevitable mundane home life and minimum wage job.
I was wrong.
Dare I say it, this has been the best summer of my life.
I have already in the first month gotten to travel to the bahamas and key west.
Then I partied in little rock with hendrix friends. and in conway with them last sunday.
I find myself in the beginnings of a promising relationship.
I finally got to danger street luge!
Mariam and I got high in a playground.
My job that i was so quick to resent is easy, and i really love the girl i work with every morning.
My brother and i went on the most beautiful and physically challenging hike. I swear I have never seen so many breathtaking views, while coming so close to falling off of various bluffs and rocks.
and now.. i have found a purpose. a way to impact someone else's life in a positive way. And really, if I do manage to help this person, even if i accomplished nothing else this summer, i would still count it as time well spent. I'm always so quick to judge.
I want to change this about myself.
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02:35 am
[Link] | Jonesboro smells like honeysuckles
my room looks like my closet, (or possibly a closet much bigger than mine) vomited everywhere
but i don't think it's necessary to unpack before repacking
and i don't plan on bringing any suitors into my humble bed
At work I say "Ya'll" a lot and i speak slowly. I have conversations about food and restocking t-shirts with the simple minded orange and gray haired woman who is training me this week. When she is not looking i read Jack Kerouac behind the counter. I do so little work that i would ALMOST feel bad for accepting more than minimum wage for this so called job.
dad says i can't go to peru over christmas break. he's scared i'm leaving for good, not for peru but just that eventually i won't be coming back to jonesboro for a month long christmas break. This is a very rational fear. I suppose we are alike in our fear of change.
So i'm saving up money for the flight, which is the only thing odyssey won't pay for, and going anyway.
my family will learn to understand, they will also be saved the trouble of buying me christmas presents.
I sold a terrorist hunting permit today. But I also taught my supervisor how cancer works and how to cultivate polyploid seedless fruits. So maybe i am doing some small amount of good.
I had a dream that i was back in my house with hailey doing biochemistry work with enzymatic pathways. I miss hendrix.
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12:29 am
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all the glory when we ran outside with your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied
I'm not mad, thats not what it is, I'm upset
I guess because it means that a friendship is ending, and my greatest fear is that everything is coming to an end all at once.
It makes me want to cry
but hey, at least now i could cry if i wanted to
I want so much space. by the end of the day i cant even stand to contain my toes within shoes. I want to run and run and run. i want my friends who love me to be here with me always. I want something to happen this summer. I NEED more than to cycle through old almost boyfriends here whose flaws i have since forgotten.
I am grateful for my job, really I am.
Selling camo is not something i ever envisioned myself doing with a straight face.
but i guess its better than sleeping all day, and almost as easy.
I don't care anymore how much money I make when I'm finally done with school. I don't care how big my house is, or if i can finally afford to buy bushels of really really nice pants. I think i just want to feel like I am helping people. and if i can't find that in my profession, then i willfind it in my free time. I am a leech in debt. Lots of debt.
If I could please just do something significant?
do you ever wonder why you lived through a car crash?
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10:43 am
[Link] |
We are proven guilty by the words we say
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!
I am going to see Jack's Mannequin TONIGHT.
+ phantom planet
+ paramore
+ some other band jaylynns brother told me was okay sounding whose name i don't recall
dude. i am going to meet andrew mcmahon. i am.
if i don't... well.. ok. yeah thats probably the more likely outcome.
but whatever. i google mapped the place to find out how to get there (its downtown little rock and i hate getting caught in one way streets.) i should probably use that as stalker material as it uses satellite images.
i might
in other news:: Classes are over. Scholarship is lost. goodbye new car.
I thought about gettting really upset over it like i did at the beginning of the summer... but i won't. I mean. i guess I don't mind not having everything handed to me. (granted my parents are still footing the bill for many things) Just because I'm no longer on full ride doesn't mean i'm not smart. I'm fucking brilliant sometimes. I don't need a certificate and 10,000 a year from the arkansas dept of higher education to tell me that.
I'm tired of stoners and smoke. Really. they're starting to bug me.
but i think it's only because.. i'd do the same thing if i lived here. it's like a warning.
and like i'd rather plunge into student loans than take it easy and rot away
because that's what i would do. if i were here.
I need to feel closer to God. I went to church sunday with an open mind (for once).
No internal cynical remarks on people's overzealous behavior, or the preacher's accent, or the way he talks so people can relate to him. I just took it in. and you know.... it was good. He preached a beautiful doctrinal sermon on love and acceptance. On sins and forgiveness. I feel like i should have given him a chance earlier, just because it wasn't my personal choice in denomination or setting, i had tuned out completely the entire summer.
more later...
off to work
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11:32 pm
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If this is only a test, I hope that I'm passing, because I'm losing steam
Hi. I'm 19 now. Big changes so far : none.
what a suprise
i'm nothing right now.
wake up class lunch work/nap eat run shower homework bed
and i could keep on forever.
and i'd be okay with it
oh i get so comfortable here.
not happy, not sad, not challenged, not scared, not excited, not hungry, not awake, not pregnant, etc.
just moving along. and thats fine.
but i really should drink more water and get more sleep
(I could hear the church bells ringing
They pealed aloud your praise
The member's faces were smiling
With their hands outstretched to shake
It's true they did not move me
My heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find you anywhere
Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen you, and somedays
I don't love you at all
The devoted were wearing bracelets
To remind them of why they came
Some concrete motivation
When the abstract could not do the same
But if all that's left is duty
I'm falling on my sword
At least then I would not serve
An unseen, distant Lord)
Current Music: Pedro the Lion
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